What Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife

Don’t tell her she’s fucked up/crazy/abnormal in any way, shape, or form.

That’s it, guys. There’s only 1 rule.

There’s no need to sprinkle her with compliments or lie to her.

Just avoid this one (hurtful) truth… I know this from experience.

Once upon a time, I was doing great with the whole pregnancy thing.  My wife was smiling day to day, even though she was gaining weight, had a cranky personality, and expressed an increasing and unprecedented desire for licorice by the hour. Then I went and messed that all up. In a flash!

It was like getting your picture taken without notice. One second you’re just sitting there, and the next its over and you don’t feel a thing. Click. Flash. Done. Except when the camera flashed, I didn’t say cheese. I said, “Man, pregnancy makes you fucked up.”

Aaaand that was the end of that chapter. In my defense, I did say what every guy says when he says something that is awful and unforgiveable… “I didn’t mean it that way.” What? Why doesn’t anyone believe me? It was honestly said with a smile, as a joke. But hey, who are we kidding… If your wife is pregnant, there is a fine line between joking and insensitivity. No matter how much you didn’t mean it, no matter how funny you thought it would be, she is in a state where things will almost always be taken the wrong way. The only thing that actually went the right way was that little swimmer I sent up in her, and it got me where I am today. Yay sperm! You did it! Pat yourself on the back for an outstanding swimming performance.

Now back to the matter at hand, why on earth would I tell her something like that?







There is a gap where a paragraph should be. This is not an editorial mistake. This paragraph does not exist. (to women) They don’t see it. They don’t believe it. No text can enter this paragraph and be taken in by a woman (especially the pregnant hormonal ones) and not vomited right back out again into a big pile labeled “bullshit my man says” …. So forget it. There are no excuses good enough. There are no lies elaborate enough. There is no trickery or even sorcery to make her forgive you. There is only the love you share… That’s the only hope you got right now.

Time to get to work. Show her how much you love her! Just like before, when she found it in her heart to let you sleep on the bed again. That was love. The same way you forgot something important that was asked of you, and did what you thought was more important and selfish, and amazingly, you’re still married to her… yes, that’s what you need again. Love is all you need. If that love is strong enough, you can get away with breaking the #1 rule of marriage + pregnancy… Once. You can only break it once. I don’t think there’s enough love in the world that would allow a pregnant woman to forgive you for name-shaming her twice.

That said, best of luck to all the couples out there expecting!! I’ll go buy half a kilo of licorice now.


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